Saying goodbye
Yesterday was a really hard day. When big life events happen, I tend to think "This same time last week, I was ____." Yesterday was one week since I had Aubree and we said goodbye. All day long I thought about her delivery, holding her, and then letting her go.
In some ways, it feels like we never even had a baby. My belly is nearly gone. All the maternity clothes have been boxed up and put away. We knew she wasn't coming home with us, so there was no crib set up or clothes washed. No car seat installed in the car. No bottles and blankets set out. Ironically, we are still waking up in the night but not because we have a hungry baby crying. A storage tub was purchased for all of Aubree's things, which now sit in my closet. Alyvia has not mentioned her at all. I was wondering if she would ask, but she has not even seemed to notice.
Aubree is just...gone.
The flowers are fading and the mail has nearly stopped. The rest of life is moving on and I just feel stuck in some weird kind of limbo. We had months to prepare for this, and in some ways it is nice to finally be on the other side of it. Not knowing when the end would come was starting to really get to me. But now that it's over, I feel weird. Like life should be moving on but I just don't quite know how. Where do we go from here?
Can I just say, You will never not think of her. The pain will ease with time but you will never not love her and miss her. She's in Heaven, not gone. She's whole and free. She's waiting on the knee's of great grandma's perhaps or running around free and happy. Limbo is AWFUL! Every day for a while will be a different feeling or piece of grief. Like the old Beetle's song "Let it Be" you will need to allow the heart of your sweet soul to grieve and learn that love has many facets. It's hard when you are a "doer" to not be able to work around or out of the current mood. You hate it, I know. There has to be a better way to do this, but there really isn't. IT's a dark, painful path, this thing called grief. Oh, how I wish I could walk it for you. I would do it in a second. I can't. But I'm here and available to rub your back, wipe your tears and walk beside you and Michael as you feel your way through this. You will learn things about yourself you never knew or ever wanted to know. I will say grief does heal but the process is awful. The reward is that Aubree was given the chance to grow and develop and was loved so dearly but two ordinary people who love their kids with all they are and have.
ReplyDeleteAs to the "where do we go from here?" Whatever the day brings. There is no magic line or destination. What's next is just the next day. Make plans but plan to let go of them if things too hard. You can't run through grief or fly through it. Unfortunately we each have to walk through it. I'm So Sorry! Praying for swift healing and sweet memories.
ReplyDeleteI am so terribly sorry that you have had to deal with such a significant loss. My friend had a daughter nearly 2 years ago now, who was born with a chromosomal abnormality and they knew she would be "incompatable with life". Sh lived 2.5 days. She is still dealing with the grief, and it will nevr go away. It will change, but you will always love Aubree, always think of her. She is, and always will be a part of your family. I have been praying ofr your family from the begining,and continue to pray for you all.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. I'm crying with you.
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