Isn't that part of this natural grieving process?
Right now I am feeling a bit guilty. Guilty for feeling so exhausted and done with the pregnancy, when in reality I should have been enjoying my last few days with her. After our appointment on the 5th, I was DONE. I wanted to have her and be un-pregnant as quickly as possible. It was getting horribly painful, physically and emotionally. Constant contractions. Polyhydramnios that had us measuring 40 weeks when we were only 30. Unable to breathe because she loved to keep her left foot pressed up against my right lower rib. And when I say "pressed", I mean "pushing on it so hard I SWEAR she was going to break the bone at any second". Seriously painful. And the emotional roller coaster of always knowing we were on the brink, but never really knowing when our world would really come crashing down. After dealing with the pain for 15 weeks, more than three months, I was done.
Little did I know that just a couple days later I would be laying on the couch trying desperately to listen to her heart beat with a stethoscope and hearing only silence. "No", I told myself, "You are just being paranoid. Her heartbeat is funny. It's slower than yours. You are just missing it."
Only, I wasn't. She was already gone.
I WISH I had gone in to the hospital at that point. Even though I knew she was gone, maybe I still would have been able to see her in a better state. She was gone for several days by the time she was born. Her poor body was in really bad shape, and I was absolutely not prepared for that at all. In all this journey, my one desperate prayer was to be able to meet my baby alive. Not only did I not get to meet her alive, I never even got to see her beautiful face completely whole.
If only....
If only I had gone in on Thursday when I felt bad and stayed home from work. If only I had gone in on Friday when I hadn't felt her move. If only I had gone in on Saturday when I couldn't hear her heart beat.
If only....
Her beautiful little face is watching and waiting for you in Heaven right now. She's happy and at peace and has eternal life. She doesn't want you to feel guilty. You're the best Mommy she could have ever hoped for and she loves you with all her heart for carrying her and loving her while she was on earth.
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ReplyDeleteYour love for her is amazingly beautiful. She is whole, complete and in no pain now. Leave the "if only" as much as you can. What happened can not be changed. I pray God gives you dreams of her that will help your heart heal.
ReplyDeleteOh Sweetie!! Guilt is a nasty demon. It starts out small and will grow as time goes by. You don't even have too feed it it just grows. Some days it extremely suffocating, other more bearable. As a person who suffers constantly from guilt I can tell you... No one can tell you it's not your fault. Oh they try, they give you all sorts of logical answers and reasons not to feel guilty but in the end it is only you who can keep the guilt at bay. It is not an easy task, ask anyone that suffers from grief... Guilt is a constant companion of grief, it just is the reality of grief. My heart cries for you because I know what your going through and oh how I wish you didn't have to walk this journey.
ReplyDeleteYou will find you way of redirecting those guilty feelings. It takes time but you find your way, I promise!!
God knew all of this. You saw her beautiful face. You enjoyed so much of her life. Guilt is an evil accuser. There is only so much one heart can bear,Sarah. You knew as a mom it is time, God knew it too. Yes, you didn't get to meet her the way you wanted to. Yes, she was in bad shape. However your desperate love held out hope to the risk of your own health. You have her Every single chance. The thing about emotions in the midst of grief is they are horribly intense and can convince our heart's of things that are not truth. Sarah, you fought a valiant battle. You were devastated over and over again. You just could not go on. Like climbing Everest. Just because you didn't get to the summit does not mean you gave it all your strength and courage. You are an excellent mother to Aubree Grace. We know it, God knows it, the Dr.'s know it and your daughter knows it. All that one human woman could do for her child was done. Love is a hard hard thing and sometimes asks more than we think we have. All that one soul could do to save another this side of heaven was done by the most courageously brave woman I personally have ever met. You're one incredible young woman. Let the grief accuse but don't let it stay. Don't let it win. This is why we don't let people grieve alone even if we must grieve alone in many ways. You need to reminded of truth when the lies swirl. Yes, you were weary. Yes, you were done. Your heart gave out too. You couldn't do one more thing for her Sarah because you and Michael have done all and more that love can do to save another. I love you madly and am praying the guilt leaves quickly. Examine your heart if you must but cling to the truth like a strong rope on quick sand. You will know one day that you have done all love could possibly do.
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog and am in complete tears. Your story sounds almost identical to what I am going through right now, which is so hard to believe. I am pregnant with a son due in March. We found out the day after our 16 week gender check that there was something wrong with his heart. I am 27 weeks now and he has been diagnosed with heterotaxy. He has a number of issues, including heart block (the heart rate has been steady at 60 for weeks now) and the walls of this heart are too thick. Hydrops has not set in yet, but they are telling us that he will not make it, they expect him to get progressively worse as he starts to grow in the third trimester. I just wish someone could tell me when this will be over, some days I feel like it will never end. I feel guilty for feeling that way too. I have a healthy 4 year old boy and they can't tell us a reason that this happened. Thank you for sharing your story, I can't tell you how helpful it is to me to see that I am not alone in what I am experiencing. How are you doing now?
ReplyDeleteOh, Christine, I am so sorry to hear about your sweet little guy :( There was a genetic reason for Aubree's heterotaxy, but it was considered to be a fluke. We had our older daughter tested and she was fine.
DeleteI've found a lot of comfort and support in the group "All that Love can do" on Facebook. There's a private group just for mommas currently carrying little ones and that have just lost their little ones. It has been so nice to connect with others going through the same process. I highly recommend it! If you want to join I can give you a recommendation to join our private group.