A Birthday Story

After our appointment last week, I was feeling very discouraged. It was very obvious from the ultrasound that Aubree was not doing well. Her heart rate was down to 37 and her swelling had drastically increased. I didn't ask at the time, but I had made up my mind to ask this week for us to schedule a birthday for her. I was just so tired and ready to be done. I wanted to know there was an end in sight.

Only Aubree had other plans.

Wednesday night she had the hiccups and was moving all over the place. I was feeling bad about wanting to schedule her birthday. I really wanted her to come on her own terms. Little did I know that would be the last time I would feel her move. Thursday morning I woke up with horrible contractions and stayed home from work. Just when I thought I should call the doctors and go in, I started to feel a bit better. Friday I ended up going to work but I still didn't feel her move at all. I was still having contractions and sometimes thought I felt her move around, but was never really sure. On Saturday I started to feel sick and have horrible itching all over. Dr Google said it was most likely a liver issue for me and a sign that my body was no longer handling the pregnancy well.

Monday morning I was getting Aly ready to go to grandma's while we went to our doctor's appointment. She was being ornery when I tried to change her diaper, and she kicked me really hard in the stomach. I told her she had to be nice to Baby Aubree. "No, mom, Aubree's gone." I looked at her and felt a bit sad, and said, "No, honey, she's right here" as I put my hands on my stomach. Aly just looked at me with a very serious expression and repeated "Nope. She's all gone." I know she was just being an ornery little kid, but part of me knew she was right.

At our appointment, the nurse and doctor confirmed that my liver was having a hard time processing everything. Unfortunately, we found out it was due to the fact that Aubree had already passed away. The ultrasound confirmed she had no heart beat. The ultrasound tech left and returned with the doctor, who confirmed that Aubree had passed away several days before (we are guessing Thursday or Friday). They were very kind, and presented us with our options. We chose to go back to my regular OB and to deliver at a hospital closer to home. While we could have stayed at CMH, I didn't want to be there and be so close to the NICU, knowing that we wouldn't be going there.

We came home for a bit and made arrangements for Aly, packed our bags, and headed over to the hospital. We stopped to get an outfit and some things for Aubree and to have some dinner first. We got checked in to the hospital and saw the doctor, who said I wouldn't need to start the induction that night but said we could stay if we wanted and they would start in the morning. I chose to stay and asked for some medicine to help me sleep since I hadn't really slept in days.

At around 2:30 I woke up with painful contractions. By 3:30 I asked the nurses for some medicine to help me keep sleeping. They confirmed I had gone into labor on my own, so they got me an epidural and some more medicine to help me sleep again. I woke up again at 9am, and they told me I was ready to go. The doctor came in and broke my water, and by 9:34 Aubree was born. Remind me to do this next time. By far the best way to labor is just to sleep through it! 

Aubree came exactly two months before her due date. She was 4lbs 8oz and 16'' long. Unfortunately, since she had been deceased for a few days, most of her body was in bad shape. I was not prepared for that at all. But the nurses helped to clean her up and dress her which helped a lot. She had a perfectly round little head, and perfect little hands and feet. We were able to hold her and spend eight and a half hours with her. Our families were able to meet her and hold her as well. We got pictures taken, hand and footprints made, and sweet molds of her little feet. Except for getting her foot molds taken, she stayed with us the whole time and was always held.

Around 4pm we started to talk to the nurses about what arrangements we needed to make for her. We knew the time was coming to let her go since her poor body was changing so quickly. As I held her, her eyes opened for a minute. It was as if she was saying goodbye. I placed my hand on her head and rubbed it like I used to do with Aly to put her to sleep, and Aubree's eyes closed again. That's when I knew it was time to let her go. We were able to keep her until 6:03 when the nurse came to take her away. That was, by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Shortly after she left we were discharged to come home. I just couldn't stay in the maternity ward after she was gone. It was nice to be home and to sleep in my own bed. And, in a way, it was nice to know that part of our journey was over with.

"All that Love could do was done"

One of my biggest fears throughout this process was having her stillborn. I wanted so desperately to meet her alive. But being on the other side, I am taking a lot of comfort in the fact that she went on her own terms. DH and I never had to make difficult decisions regarding interventions for her. She was never poked, prodded, or in pain. For her entire life, she was held and carried. Even though we were sad about losing her, our time with her was full of so much peace and several moments of happiness. We gave her every opportunity that we possibly could and we never gave up fighting for her to have a chance.