Guilt

Isn't that part of this natural grieving process?

Right now I am feeling a bit guilty. Guilty for feeling so exhausted and done with the pregnancy, when in reality I should have been enjoying my last few days with her. After our appointment on the 5th, I was DONE. I wanted to have her and be un-pregnant as quickly as possible. It was getting horribly painful, physically and emotionally. Constant contractions. Polyhydramnios that had us measuring 40 weeks when we were only 30. Unable to breathe because she loved to keep her left foot pressed up against my right lower rib. And when I say "pressed", I mean "pushing on it so hard I SWEAR she was going to break the bone at any second". Seriously painful. And the emotional roller coaster of always knowing we were on the brink, but never really knowing when our world would really come crashing down. After dealing with the pain for 15 weeks, more than three months, I was done.

Little did I know that just a couple days later I would be laying on the couch trying desperately to listen to her heart beat with a stethoscope and hearing only silence. "No", I told myself, "You are just being paranoid. Her heartbeat is funny. It's slower than yours. You are just missing it."

Only, I wasn't. She was already gone.

I WISH I had gone in to the hospital at that point. Even though I knew she was gone, maybe I still would have been able to see her in a better state. She was gone for several days by the time she was born. Her poor body was in really bad shape, and I was absolutely not prepared for that at all. In all this journey, my one desperate prayer was to be able to meet my baby alive. Not only did I not get to meet her alive, I never even got to see her beautiful face completely whole.

If only....

If only I had gone in on Thursday when I felt bad and stayed home from work. If only I had gone in on Friday when I hadn't felt her move. If only I had gone in on Saturday when I couldn't hear her heart beat. 

If only....

Two Weeks

Today marked two weeks since we had our daughter. It is surreal - almost as if it didn't happen. Our house is back to "normal" and life is marching on.

Two days after we had Aubree, we had to make arrangements for her with the funeral home. The hospital had given us back all of her clothes before we left and I really wanted to keep the actual outfit that she wore. So I picked out a nice soft pair of pajamas, a sweet matching hat, and a stuffed teddy bear to take to the funeral home. I wanted her to have a comfy outfit to rest in and she needed the bear so she wouldn't be alone. That moment was really hard, handing her outfit over to the funeral director and signing all the paperwork.Yesterday the urn came in, so today I took it up to the funeral home. They transferred her ashes for me and I was able to bring her home.

For now I have placed the urn on our mantle right next to the pumpkin we used for her pregnancy announcement. Sometimes I wish I could rewind life and go back to February or March for just a minute. Back to when I could just enjoy being pregnant and relive the excitement & anticipation of having another baby. I feel like part of my innocence is gone now and I will never be able to look at a pregnancy the same way again. While friends anxiously await the results of their anatomy scans to find out if they are Team Pink or Team Blue, I hold my breath and pray for normal anatomy (heart, brain, lungs, etc).

Emotional week

We had our little girl 10 days ago. We said goodbye 10 days ago. I have to keep reminding myself that it's so recent, because it feels like it was a lifetime ago. While I am generally feeling better physically, my body quickly reminded me that I did just go through giving birth last week and re-painting my room probably wasn't the best idea right now. Oh well, I love the nice, new, refreshing space. I needed some kind of change.

And this week, all I've seen on FB were posts about little ones going off to kindergarten. I should have had a little one going off to kindergarten too. My first pregnancy loss was early in 2008. I should have had a 5-yr old. I should be buying back to school supplies. I should be going to meet teachers, and packing a backpack and picking out special outfits in anticipation of that first day.

Instead I feel like I am missing out on a lot of life right now. Seeing life through the eyes of an excited little kid. Rocking a newborn in the middle of the night. Thankfully I have a 2-yr old that is keeping me busy :) But I hate that I feel like she is missing out on getting to know her siblings. I hate that I am missing out on getting to know them.

This morning I was uploading the last CD of pictures we have of Aubree. The ultrasound we had just days before she passed. Her poor face was so swollen. Aly came over to ask what I was doing, and saw the pictures. "That's Baby Aubree!!" she said, so excited to see her sister. So I pulled her into my lap and we looked through all of the pictures. "Awww, look at Baby Aubree!" "Pretty baby!!" She had so much fun looking at her sister. It was the first time she has mentioned her since she had told me that she was gone.

One week down

Saying goodbye

Yesterday was a really hard day. When big life events happen, I tend to think "This same time last week, I was ____." Yesterday was one week since I had Aubree and we said goodbye. All day long I thought about her delivery, holding her, and then letting her go.

In some ways, it feels like we never even had a baby. My belly is nearly gone. All the maternity clothes have been boxed up and put away. We knew she wasn't coming home with us, so there was no crib set up or clothes washed. No car seat installed in the car. No bottles and blankets set out. Ironically, we are still waking up in the night but not because we have a hungry baby crying. A storage tub was purchased for all of Aubree's things, which now sit in my closet. Alyvia has not mentioned her at all. I was wondering if she would ask, but she has not even seemed to notice.

Aubree is just...gone.

The flowers are fading and the mail has nearly stopped. The rest of life is moving on and I just feel stuck in some weird kind of limbo. We had months to prepare for this, and in some ways it is nice to finally be on the other side of it. Not knowing when the end would come was starting to really get to me. But now that it's over, I feel weird. Like life should be moving on but I just don't quite know how. Where do we go from here?

Another Birthday to Celebrate :)

Poor Aly. Over the past couple of months she has been passed around to friends & family while DH and I dealt with everything for Aubree. I even neglected to do a birthday party for her (she's two - she wouldn't really know, right?). Thankfully, some very kind friends stepped in and asked to throw her a princess party (complete with a bounce house!).

Showing off her new party dress and pretty headband :)

She was SO EXCITED to have everyone singing for her. But she just couldn't get the hang of putting up two fingers instead of just one ;)

My favorite picture of the two of us. It is so hard to get her to smile straight at the camera!

She was definitely spoiled by all our friends and family. And I think she felt very special being the center of attention for the day :) She kept telling everyone she saw "It's my bursday!! It's Aly's bursday!!!"

A Birthday Story

After our appointment last week, I was feeling very discouraged. It was very obvious from the ultrasound that Aubree was not doing well. Her heart rate was down to 37 and her swelling had drastically increased. I didn't ask at the time, but I had made up my mind to ask this week for us to schedule a birthday for her. I was just so tired and ready to be done. I wanted to know there was an end in sight.

Only Aubree had other plans.

Wednesday night she had the hiccups and was moving all over the place. I was feeling bad about wanting to schedule her birthday. I really wanted her to come on her own terms. Little did I know that would be the last time I would feel her move. Thursday morning I woke up with horrible contractions and stayed home from work. Just when I thought I should call the doctors and go in, I started to feel a bit better. Friday I ended up going to work but I still didn't feel her move at all. I was still having contractions and sometimes thought I felt her move around, but was never really sure. On Saturday I started to feel sick and have horrible itching all over. Dr Google said it was most likely a liver issue for me and a sign that my body was no longer handling the pregnancy well.

Monday morning I was getting Aly ready to go to grandma's while we went to our doctor's appointment. She was being ornery when I tried to change her diaper, and she kicked me really hard in the stomach. I told her she had to be nice to Baby Aubree. "No, mom, Aubree's gone." I looked at her and felt a bit sad, and said, "No, honey, she's right here" as I put my hands on my stomach. Aly just looked at me with a very serious expression and repeated "Nope. She's all gone." I know she was just being an ornery little kid, but part of me knew she was right.

At our appointment, the nurse and doctor confirmed that my liver was having a hard time processing everything. Unfortunately, we found out it was due to the fact that Aubree had already passed away. The ultrasound confirmed she had no heart beat. The ultrasound tech left and returned with the doctor, who confirmed that Aubree had passed away several days before (we are guessing Thursday or Friday). They were very kind, and presented us with our options. We chose to go back to my regular OB and to deliver at a hospital closer to home. While we could have stayed at CMH, I didn't want to be there and be so close to the NICU, knowing that we wouldn't be going there.

We came home for a bit and made arrangements for Aly, packed our bags, and headed over to the hospital. We stopped to get an outfit and some things for Aubree and to have some dinner first. We got checked in to the hospital and saw the doctor, who said I wouldn't need to start the induction that night but said we could stay if we wanted and they would start in the morning. I chose to stay and asked for some medicine to help me sleep since I hadn't really slept in days.

At around 2:30 I woke up with painful contractions. By 3:30 I asked the nurses for some medicine to help me keep sleeping. They confirmed I had gone into labor on my own, so they got me an epidural and some more medicine to help me sleep again. I woke up again at 9am, and they told me I was ready to go. The doctor came in and broke my water, and by 9:34 Aubree was born. Remind me to do this next time. By far the best way to labor is just to sleep through it! 

Aubree came exactly two months before her due date. She was 4lbs 8oz and 16'' long. Unfortunately, since she had been deceased for a few days, most of her body was in bad shape. I was not prepared for that at all. But the nurses helped to clean her up and dress her which helped a lot. She had a perfectly round little head, and perfect little hands and feet. We were able to hold her and spend eight and a half hours with her. Our families were able to meet her and hold her as well. We got pictures taken, hand and footprints made, and sweet molds of her little feet. Except for getting her foot molds taken, she stayed with us the whole time and was always held.

Around 4pm we started to talk to the nurses about what arrangements we needed to make for her. We knew the time was coming to let her go since her poor body was changing so quickly. As I held her, her eyes opened for a minute. It was as if she was saying goodbye. I placed my hand on her head and rubbed it like I used to do with Aly to put her to sleep, and Aubree's eyes closed again. That's when I knew it was time to let her go. We were able to keep her until 6:03 when the nurse came to take her away. That was, by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Shortly after she left we were discharged to come home. I just couldn't stay in the maternity ward after she was gone. It was nice to be home and to sleep in my own bed. And, in a way, it was nice to know that part of our journey was over with.

"All that Love could do was done"

One of my biggest fears throughout this process was having her stillborn. I wanted so desperately to meet her alive. But being on the other side, I am taking a lot of comfort in the fact that she went on her own terms. DH and I never had to make difficult decisions regarding interventions for her. She was never poked, prodded, or in pain. For her entire life, she was held and carried. Even though we were sad about losing her, our time with her was full of so much peace and several moments of happiness. We gave her every opportunity that we possibly could and we never gave up fighting for her to have a chance.

Even If

I used to hear this song on the radio as I drove around town, but I never really stopped to listen to the actual words until a couple months ago. This song really relates my heart and my feelings right now.

"Even If"

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Winding Down

Another sad appointment yesterday. To start, we had to wait two hours past our scheduled time (!). I think it's because another family was meeting with the full team of doctors. I can't imagine having their job and having to give this kind of news to families all day.

Only good news: my body is still handling this pregnancy well. No issues with blood pressure, proteins, or swelling. Aubree is a different issue. Her heart rate is declining more at each appointment. It was down to 37 today. Her body is retaining more fluid. I can't even bring myself to upload the pictures that we got - her poor face was so swollen. She's still moving around but her movements are slowing down as well.

I am starting to have a lot of anxiety about the unknown future. I've pretty well come to terms with the fact that she won't be coming home with us. But not knowing how much time we have left has me on-edge. As someone who takes comfort in planning and preparing, not being able to do that is very difficult.

Drama Queen

I woke up early this morning with painful consistent contractions. Changing positions didn't help them go away, so I got up and drank some water, ate a banana, and took a hot shower hoping that would help. We had a volunteer event at work so I went to help stuff backpacks (we did 800 in two hours!). Staying busy did distract me for the most part, but once we were finished I was aware of being in pain again. And through it all I wasn't feeling Aubree move. I decided to go home, drink more water, and lie down to see if that would make the pain stop. After another couple of hours with no change and still not feeling Aubree, I called DH and told him I thought we should go in just to be on the safe side.

Nearly three hours later we got confirmation that I was having regular contractions, but not because of labor starting (YAY!). We also got a quick ultrasound to check Aubree's heartbeat since monitors won't pick her up. It was at 41 bpm, which is lower than Monday, but the process of scanning her seemed to wake her up and she's been dancing around ever since. The doctors think the contractions started up because of the extra fluid I'm carrying now and my body being stretched to the max. They called in some prescriptions for me and let us go home.

When I went to the pharmacy to get my medicines, they told me the doctor had prescribed 5mg tablets. They only had 2.5mg tablets there and couldn't get the 5mg tablets until Monday. I can't really wait until Monday to start my medicine, so I asked if they could fill the prescription using the 2.5mg tablets and I would just take two of them. The pharmacy tech told me no, but I was free to call around to other pharmacies to see if someone else could fill it for me (she wouldn't even call their stores' other branches!!). So I spend an hour calling around, but no one has it. NO ONE. Finally I call the first pharmacy back and by chance got the head pharmacist, who said that it wouldn't be a problem at all to fill the script using the 2.5mg tablets. Of course.