Real Thoughts from a Crappy Mommy

One child is dying and the other one seems to hate me. Sometimes I feel like the worst mom ever.

Aly has been acting out a lot lately. Mainly with me. She is obedient and pleasant for our babysitters, and even pretty good for DH. But when I see her she screams and runs away. She hits me, kicks me, tells me to go away. When I ask her to do something the answer is always "NO, Mommy, NO!" It's a constant fight to get her to do the simplest things like letting me change her diaper or brush her hair. She fights me even when I try to give her what she's asked for (like a new cup of milk).

I think she's having a hard time along with DH and I. But she just doesn't know how to deal with it or express what she wants. Not that she understands about Aubree, but she knows we are upset and stressed out and it affects her. And she's been passed off to family members a lot lately for appointments, MIL being out of town, and a couple of nights where I just didn't have it in me to deal with her because I could barely take care of myself. So her "normal" has been completely upended as well. I know it's all factoring into her behavior lately. I keep trying to be patient with her, speaking softly and giving her several opportunities to respond in the way she knows she should (like coming to me when I ask her to, or complying with diaper changes). But there are times when my patience wears thin and she ends up going to bed early or spending half the night in time-outs.

Tonight, though, we had a good night. She ate her dinner at the table with me and even seemed to enjoy it. After dinner she got to play with all of her toys and watch her favorite shows. The last couple of nights she's been at other places, so this was great for her to be in her most familiar territory. She played and even crawled up on the couch with me for some cuddles and tickle fights. When she took a bath tonight, she stayed in the tub and obeyed when I told her to sit down. Usually when bath time ends she has a melt-down, but tonight she cheerfully got out of the tub and let me dress her and brush her hair without a fight. She even let me brush her teeth and trim her toenails!! After we got ready for bed she went straight to DH to say goodnight instead of running away from us. Then she walked to her room, said "I luff you, Mommy! Night night time!" and went straight to her crib. I even got a hug when I picked her up to put her in the crib :) And then she settled in with her dolls and blankies and told me goodnight as I turned out the light and left the room.

I know she's just a toddler and that she doesn't really hate me. But it hurts a lot when she wants nothing to do with me :( I am glad we had a good night together though, and I hope these continue. I can't imagine what she's going through right now with everything so out of place from her normal schedule and a mommy & daddy that are sad all the time. It is really hard to balance parenting one child while grieving for another. I just hope we don't mess up too badly and that we all find our way through to the other side of this.