Back to Reality

The last six weeks have been a surreal mix of pain and grieving for my baby mixed with joyful moments of connecting with my two-year-old and just resting from the craziness of life. Aly and I have really enjoyed this time together. We've sang songs, played games, gone on trips, shopped, run around at the park, and just generally had a great time. I think I would love the SAHM life! Too bad it doesn't come with a paycheck & medical benefits like my real job does ;)

But today was the day I had to go back to that real job. All last week I was in a bad mood with DH. I couldn't even express why I was so upset. I was sad. And mad. I had just gone through maternity leave, but had no baby. None of my normal work clothes fit because I still have the smooshy tummy, but no baby and no breast feeding that helped me lose all the weight with Aly. Normal cycles returning left me feeling moody, bloated, and just generally unhappy with myself. And then yesterday DH broke his foot! Poor guy. And then Aly didn't feel like sleeping last night and was up just about every hour screaming about bad dreams and scary things in her room. I woke up in a sleep-deprived fog this morning and stumbled around helping DH get ready for work and getting myself ready, only to still make it to work a couple minutes late (ughghg). And then I spilled black coffee on my white shirt. And then I had 10 complaints waiting for me (translation: it's going to be a BUSY day!).

And, and, and.....that's pretty much how my day went.

After feeling a bit sorry for myself, I realized that being in a sad mood was only going to make the day worse. I could continue my little pity-party and chose to see every little inconvenience as another one of life's cruel jokes, or I could choose to change my attitude and try to be happy. To look for the joyful moments or purposefully create some if needed.We've been working with Aly on having a good attitude (heaven help us, she's 2 going on 16 with these mood swings!). We tell her that we need to have a happy heart and a good attitude. Today I found myself repeating those words to my own heart.

I think the things that frustrate me the most as a parent are when my child struggles with the same things that are most often my own weaknesses. It's amazing how little patience I tend to have for her in these areas, when they are really what I dislike the most about myself (and the things I tend to gloss over or excuse myself for). Today my heart was reminded of Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message)

"Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."

Guess it's time to model the correct behavior for my daughter. And choose to find the joyful moments instead of letting myself get consumed in a pity-party of celebrating all that is going wrong. Even with all that's gone wrong over this last year it is still easy for me to see that we are blessed beyond measure. There's always someone that has it "worse" and someone that has it "better" than we do. But comparing myself to someone else or to what I think is the "ideal" only ends up poorly.

So tonight I choose to go to bed with a happy heart, thankful for this day.

Month One is Done

We had our little girl one month ago. The pain is gradually fading and now I can look at her pictures without crying. I made a collage of pictures to print off for her service and it's framed and set out in the living room. Aly loves to sit and look at the pictures of her sister:

The top center and bottom pictures were taken by Amanda. We absolutely LOVE the photos she got for us! The top corner shots were taken by Mike just minutes after Aubree was born. I love the picture of her head. It's the only picture we have of her hair. This is how much hair she had at 10 weeks early!! She would have had a full head of black hair just like her sister if she had made it to full-term :) And that foot...that was the foot that tried to break my ribs. Oh how I love it :)

It seems so strange that she's been gone for a month already. I was looking back at some of the goals I had set back in December for 2013 - one of them was to have another baby. I guess I should have been WAY more specific about that one, since I really wanted to keep her and not just "have" her. I knew Aubree was on her way even before those two lines turned pink that first weekend in February. She was very much wanted and planned for. Ok, if you know me, the "planning" part of that last sentence wasn't a surprise.

The last few weeks at home for me have been really good for our family. Things are much calmer, relaxed, and happy. I've been able to spend a lot of time resting and recovering. It's been kind of hard for me to actually sit down and take it easy as most of the time I feel ok, but I am quickly reminded that I need to let my body heal since I did just go through 3/4 of a pregnancy and delivery. This down-time, though, has really let me spend some quality time with Aly. We've been cuddling on the couch and watching her favorite Disney Jr. shows (mommy now knows ALL the songs!). We've played tea party and princess dress-up. We went shopping and got some puzzles to put together. Aly has been helping me with cooking dinner most nights and she's loved it! She helps me take care of Lucy in the mornings. All of these things that I usually rush through on my way to work or in the crazy minutes when I first get home. It's nice to be able to slow down and include Aly more, and to see how much she is growing and maturing.

The week after next I go back to work and life returns to our new normal. Normal life full of busy schedules and rushing around. But, I am kind of ready to get back into familiar territory after the agonizing uncertainty of our life since May. Back to a life that I can "control" or plan for. Yeah, right. But I am really going to miss  morning cuddles on the couch and naps in the afternoon.

One Month Ago Today

Was the last time we saw her sweet little face. Sucking on her thumb, wriggling around and trying to evade the ultrasound wand, funny little heart beating in it's own way. This wasn't our best set of pictures, but obviously they are absolutely priceless to me. I could have stayed there all day just watching her.

Three Weeks

Oh man. This week has been rough. I think part of the shock is wearing off. Emotions are rushing in, even when I don't want them to. Dreams are sneaking in and making it hard to sleep. The rest of life has settled and moved on.

And then I get snagged back to reality by the phone call from the hospital to pre-register for delivery. Or the call from the other hospital asking me to do a customer satisfaction survey from our stay (the hospital was amazing, btw, but having the survey people call me completely sucked). And the babies have started arriving. I knew of over 20 women having babies this fall. In the last three days, the first three have arrived. Thankfully all had uneventful arrivals, and moms and babies are all fine. But I've done some facebook filtering for now. Not that I am not happy for these families (honestly, I am - any new baby is a wonderful blessing). I just don't know what my emotions are going to do when I log in to FB and scroll through my news feed. And for every mom that delivers, a new pregnancy announcement is made. HOLY COW! Is it just the season of life that my cohorts are in, or is there some serious baby boom going on?

I hope that we can shortly rejoin the ranks of those celebrating new life. Seems kind of callous to talk about it so soon after Aubree left us. But I know this isn't the end of our story. In my heart I keep hearing the lyrics of this song over & over:

"Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that You can mend a heart that's frail & torn. I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life, and all that's dead inside can be reborn. 'Cause I'm worn...."

I know there will be a rainbow at the end of this storm. Not that anyone will ever replace Aubree in our lives. But I know our family is not yet complete. So for now, we wait. Time to heal physically and emotionally. Time to rest from the craziness and business of normal life (with me working full-time and only seeing Aly 2-3 hours per day when she's awake). Time to regroup, organize, and plan for what's next. Time for DH and I alone - time that we have desperately needed.

For now, I'm working on cleaning out our closet. DH now has a shoe rack that holds all of his shoes! And we have enough hangers for all our clothes. I'm trying to find the small things in life to celebrate along this journey. Thankfully Alyvia has responded well to spending so much time with me over the past three and a half weeks. Her attitude has improved drastically, and she has been much more affectionate and cuddly with me (which for her is out of character - she's fiercely independent!!).