Back to Reality

The last six weeks have been a surreal mix of pain and grieving for my baby mixed with joyful moments of connecting with my two-year-old and just resting from the craziness of life. Aly and I have really enjoyed this time together. We've sang songs, played games, gone on trips, shopped, run around at the park, and just generally had a great time. I think I would love the SAHM life! Too bad it doesn't come with a paycheck & medical benefits like my real job does ;)

But today was the day I had to go back to that real job. All last week I was in a bad mood with DH. I couldn't even express why I was so upset. I was sad. And mad. I had just gone through maternity leave, but had no baby. None of my normal work clothes fit because I still have the smooshy tummy, but no baby and no breast feeding that helped me lose all the weight with Aly. Normal cycles returning left me feeling moody, bloated, and just generally unhappy with myself. And then yesterday DH broke his foot! Poor guy. And then Aly didn't feel like sleeping last night and was up just about every hour screaming about bad dreams and scary things in her room. I woke up in a sleep-deprived fog this morning and stumbled around helping DH get ready for work and getting myself ready, only to still make it to work a couple minutes late (ughghg). And then I spilled black coffee on my white shirt. And then I had 10 complaints waiting for me (translation: it's going to be a BUSY day!).

And, and, and.....that's pretty much how my day went.

After feeling a bit sorry for myself, I realized that being in a sad mood was only going to make the day worse. I could continue my little pity-party and chose to see every little inconvenience as another one of life's cruel jokes, or I could choose to change my attitude and try to be happy. To look for the joyful moments or purposefully create some if needed.We've been working with Aly on having a good attitude (heaven help us, she's 2 going on 16 with these mood swings!). We tell her that we need to have a happy heart and a good attitude. Today I found myself repeating those words to my own heart.

I think the things that frustrate me the most as a parent are when my child struggles with the same things that are most often my own weaknesses. It's amazing how little patience I tend to have for her in these areas, when they are really what I dislike the most about myself (and the things I tend to gloss over or excuse myself for). Today my heart was reminded of Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message)

"Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."

Guess it's time to model the correct behavior for my daughter. And choose to find the joyful moments instead of letting myself get consumed in a pity-party of celebrating all that is going wrong. Even with all that's gone wrong over this last year it is still easy for me to see that we are blessed beyond measure. There's always someone that has it "worse" and someone that has it "better" than we do. But comparing myself to someone else or to what I think is the "ideal" only ends up poorly.

So tonight I choose to go to bed with a happy heart, thankful for this day.