Why I Am Not Mad At God

DH and I got news over the last month that our sweet baby girl will not survive this pregnancy. It is absolutely devastating. Obviously we are heart broken and experiencing things no parent ever should. There is nothing in this world that we can do to help our little girl. And so we just have to wait, helplessly, until her heart finally gives up. As someone who likes to take-charge of situations and take actions to make things right, not being able to DO anything is very stressful.

To say that we are on an emotional roller coaster is an under statement. Yet in all of the emotions I am experiencing, I've never once been mad at God. I know several people do have those thoughts when walking this hard road and that it is completely normal. But to me it's never been a question of God's provision, protection, or grace. This isn't something that was a part of God's plan, although I believe he can use the situation to bring us closer to him.

I believe that God created this world to be perfect (Genesis 1:31 - 2:1). I believe that the studies of science show how intricate, beautiful, and intentional his design was. Things were made to work in a certain order. We were never meant to experience sickness, natural disasters, or death. But something happened to change all that. Sin entered the world, and with it came death, chaos, and destruction (Genesis 3, 1 Corinthians 15:56, Romans 5:12). The result is that we no longer live in a perfect world. We now have horrible natural disasters like floods and tornadoes that claim many lives. People get sick with diseases like cancer and pass away. Babies in the womb are not always formed correctly and pass away before they even get a chance to live. This is not a direct result of God's will or something that he directs to happen. It is the consequence of living in a broken world. And until this world is redeemed completely, these things will continue to happen. To "good" people and to "bad" people. No one is immune from the consequences of sin. However, through Jesus, we can have hope of redemption after this life.

But I believe we can have hope for our daughter even in the midst of our grief. I am reminded of the story of David (2 Samuel 12). David's child was very sick and about to die. David wept and pled with God for days to save his son. But once his child passed away, David's mourning was over. His servants were perplexed and asked why he was no longer weeping for his child. His response "I fasted and wept, thinking God might have mercy on me and the child would live. But now that he’s dead, why fast? Can I bring him back now? I can go to him, but he can’t come to me." I know the situations are different, but the pain of losing a child is the same. However, we have hope that someday we will go to be with Aubree even though she can't be with us right now. This passage also gives me hope that children go to heaven (something that is actually pretty divisive within Christian circles, not comforting to find out when going through a situation like this).


To be honest, it kind of irritates me when people say things like "God won't give you more than you can handle", or "God only gives things to people that are strong enough to handle them." The truth is, there is nothing in the Bible that states God won't give us more than we can handle when it comes to trials (although there is a similar passage regarding temptations - 1 Corinthians 10:13). This life is ALWAYS more than we can handle. If we could do this on our own, then what need would we have for Jesus? But what God has promised is that we will never be alone (Deuteronomy 31:6,8; Joshua 1:9; Matthew 28:20 to name a few). There is nothing we can face that he can not help us through (Luke 1:37). We never have to be afraid (2 Timothy 1:7). And we can approach God at ANY time (Hebrews 4:16). But each test and trial presents us with the opportunity to exercise our faith and grow closer to God (James 1:2-4). 

Even though I am sad, I am hopeful. And I have so much peace. It is amazing to see how God provides enough grace to get through each day. We are finding joyful moments in the middle of the sadness. I am excited to meet my daughter even though I know we will have to say goodbye soon after. We hope and pray that God will work a miracle for Aubree. But even if one does not come, we will still praise him (Daniel 3:17-18 - a loose interpretation from me).