Being patient, kind to others, and consciously making an effort to not be selfish seem to be my themes this year. Funny how these lessons really sink in as you try to teach them to a child. I find myself being convicted frequently by my own words.
Aly has been having a rough time traveling in the car lately. Even though she's not quite hit 25lbs yet (but she's close!!), she did hit the height limit for rear-facing in her car seat this month. I was hoping that turning her seat around would make traveling more pleasant. But I am learning that my daughter is just as impatient as I am. Red lights make her WAIL and scream until the car starts moving again. It was very difficult when she was rear-facing and couldn't see the lights, but now that she can see them with me, we've started to make a game of it.
Me: Aly, what color is the light up there?
Aly: It's red!!
Me: And what does red mean?
Aly: It means: Be Patient. Wait your turn!
Me: That's right :) Look at all the other cars going. They waited patiently for their turn, and now they get to go. Oh look, now our light is green!! What does that mean?
Aly: It's our turn! We can go!
We have this conversation almost every time we come to a traffic light. And even when Aly is not in the car with me, I find myself repeating the same information. It's not my turn, I have to be patient. Take a minute to just relax. It will be my turn in a minute, but for now I get to sit still and be quiet.
This has also transferred over in to how I view the other drivers around me. When I am in a hurry and someone JUST WONT MOVE OUT OF MY WAY, I am immediately reminded that I need to slow down and not speed, that there are other people on the road with places to go and people to see and my personal journey is not any more important than theirs is. And that jerk that just cut me off? Maybe that person is having the worst day of their life and completely zoned out, not thinking about traffic. Lord knows I was in that same place many times over the past six months. Or maybe that person is late to work, or needs to rush home to something very urgent. I find myself thinking more about the other PEOPLE on the road, and praying for whatever circumstances may be happening in their lives right now.
It's amazing to me how our minds can be trained to think like this. At first it was such a conscious effort to stop and redirect my thoughts towards compassion and patience. But slowly over time it is becoming a habit. I hope that I can help to teach Aly to be patient and caring for those around her. And the best way to teach her is to model it myself.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Why I Gladly Pay Taxes To Support Welfare
"I am tired of other people living better than I do, on MY dime!"
Ughghg. I am so sick of hearing this (mainly from my Republican/Tea Party friends). They perceive that people living on assistance have an easy life. After all, they are obviously not working, right? If I didn't have to go to work and could sit on my bum eating bon bons all day, life would be awesome!
But that's not what life on assistance is like. Sure, there may be a scammer here or there, but the reality is not pretty for most people on assistance. We like to hold up the example of the fraudsters and claim everyone is just like them. But that would be like saying Fred Phelps represents most Christians, or that Lady Gaga is a what most 30-yr old women are like.
I would hope we can all agree on assistance for the elderly and disabled. As a civilized society, I don't feel we should be seeing our elders living on the streets, or our disabled locked away in institutions. What seems to really burn people up are the "fraudsters" and "moochers." So how many people on assistance are scamming the system? This federal study says 91% of all assistance recipients are either 1) elderly (53%), 2) disabled (20%), or 3) working-poor (18%). Ok, then that means 9% of the recipients are able-bodied and should be working, right? Except the majority of that 9% is receiving unemployment benefits (meaning they did work at some point), receiving medical assistance, Social Security survivor's benefits, or Social Security retirement benefits for those 62-64 years old. It is approximately 2% or less that are receiving some kind of assistance that are otherwise able-bodied and able to find employment.
It is easy to hid behind generic statistics and not see the reality of a situation. So I will break down my "reality" using actual data for the county where I live. I am in Jackson County, MO. The average household income for four people is $71,200. Typically this means two adults earning $35,600 ($17/hr roughly) each and two children. To qualify for assistance, the entire household must be earning much less than the average. Let's say we have two adults each working for minimum wage and together they earn $30,576 per year. This is less than half of the average, so surely they would qualify for some assistance. Let's see:
1. Housing - The average two-bedroom apartment in this county costs $780/month or $9,360 per year. That comes out to 13% of the average household's income. For non elderly/disabled, rent vouchers are available once rent exceeds 40% of the household's income. That means a four-person household has to be earning UNDER $23,400 in our county to even begin to get housing assistance. But for our family working at minimum wage, rent is taking up 30% of their monthly income and they don't come close to qualifying for assistance.
2. Food - To even begin to qualify for food assistance, a four-person household can not have an income higher than $29,064. The household also can not have more than $2,000 in savings. Let's be generous and "give" the family $400/month for food - $100 for each week. To qualify for that assistance, their monthly income can not exceed $893, or a yearly income of $10,716. Our family does not qualify for any assistance, but food is taking up 16% of their monthly income.
3. Utilities - A family of four applying for LIHEAP would have to earn $2593/month or less (so our family would finally qualify for some help here). The max benefit is $800 to help with winter heating bills (available after Nov 1st), and possibly $300 in crisis funding during the summer - but you have to have an active disconnect notice to qualify for this assistance. Let's assume an average electric bill of $75 and an average gas bill of $50 for that two bedroom apartment. That would be $125/month for heating & cooling combined, or $1,500/year. $1,100 in max assistance wouldn't even cover all of the utilities.
This is just barely scratching the surface here. Most of these apartments don't have laundry facilities, so families are in laundromats washing clothes at $2.00/load (that is to WASH - let's assume they take the clothes back home to line-dry). We only have three people in our family and I do four loads of laundry per week. That would be $32.00 per month just to operate the machine at the laundromat. And what about buying those clothes in the first-place?
What about transportation? KC is not the most public-transit friendly place around. I live in a suburb and commute 10 miles each day to work. To find a bus that would take me there, I would have to leave my house two hours before my shift started and I would not arrive back home until at least an hour after my shift had ended. It may be faster just to buy a bike and ride it each day if I couldn't afford to drive.
But let's get back to that average household income. $71,200 for a family of four. How much do they pay in Federal taxes to support these benefits that others are receiving? At $71,200 (assuming NO deductions), they paid $9,854 in federal taxes if they are married and filed jointly, or 14% of their income. But not all of those taxes go to assistance programs. Here's where that money goes:
So breaking down that $9,854 in federal taxes, only 12% is going towards "Welfare" (Safety Net Programs), or $1,182. And our family earning $30,576 working two minimum wage jobs only qualifies for $800 in assistance, but has paid $3,700 in federal taxes, with $444 of that going back to the very assistance programs that helped them.
So do I think that someone living on assistance, on my "dime" of $1,182 per year, is living better than I do on $71,200? Absolutely not! No one denies the fact that fraud exists. But please, let's all give up the stereotype that those on assistance are lazy and just out to scam the system. It does nothing to help the true problem of fraud and merely lets us mask the fact that there is a deep and true need in our society for these programs.
Ughghg. I am so sick of hearing this (mainly from my Republican/Tea Party friends). They perceive that people living on assistance have an easy life. After all, they are obviously not working, right? If I didn't have to go to work and could sit on my bum eating bon bons all day, life would be awesome!
But that's not what life on assistance is like. Sure, there may be a scammer here or there, but the reality is not pretty for most people on assistance. We like to hold up the example of the fraudsters and claim everyone is just like them. But that would be like saying Fred Phelps represents most Christians, or that Lady Gaga is a what most 30-yr old women are like.
I would hope we can all agree on assistance for the elderly and disabled. As a civilized society, I don't feel we should be seeing our elders living on the streets, or our disabled locked away in institutions. What seems to really burn people up are the "fraudsters" and "moochers." So how many people on assistance are scamming the system? This federal study says 91% of all assistance recipients are either 1) elderly (53%), 2) disabled (20%), or 3) working-poor (18%). Ok, then that means 9% of the recipients are able-bodied and should be working, right? Except the majority of that 9% is receiving unemployment benefits (meaning they did work at some point), receiving medical assistance, Social Security survivor's benefits, or Social Security retirement benefits for those 62-64 years old. It is approximately 2% or less that are receiving some kind of assistance that are otherwise able-bodied and able to find employment.
It is easy to hid behind generic statistics and not see the reality of a situation. So I will break down my "reality" using actual data for the county where I live. I am in Jackson County, MO. The average household income for four people is $71,200. Typically this means two adults earning $35,600 ($17/hr roughly) each and two children. To qualify for assistance, the entire household must be earning much less than the average. Let's say we have two adults each working for minimum wage and together they earn $30,576 per year. This is less than half of the average, so surely they would qualify for some assistance. Let's see:
1. Housing - The average two-bedroom apartment in this county costs $780/month or $9,360 per year. That comes out to 13% of the average household's income. For non elderly/disabled, rent vouchers are available once rent exceeds 40% of the household's income. That means a four-person household has to be earning UNDER $23,400 in our county to even begin to get housing assistance. But for our family working at minimum wage, rent is taking up 30% of their monthly income and they don't come close to qualifying for assistance.
2. Food - To even begin to qualify for food assistance, a four-person household can not have an income higher than $29,064. The household also can not have more than $2,000 in savings. Let's be generous and "give" the family $400/month for food - $100 for each week. To qualify for that assistance, their monthly income can not exceed $893, or a yearly income of $10,716. Our family does not qualify for any assistance, but food is taking up 16% of their monthly income.
3. Utilities - A family of four applying for LIHEAP would have to earn $2593/month or less (so our family would finally qualify for some help here). The max benefit is $800 to help with winter heating bills (available after Nov 1st), and possibly $300 in crisis funding during the summer - but you have to have an active disconnect notice to qualify for this assistance. Let's assume an average electric bill of $75 and an average gas bill of $50 for that two bedroom apartment. That would be $125/month for heating & cooling combined, or $1,500/year. $1,100 in max assistance wouldn't even cover all of the utilities.
This is just barely scratching the surface here. Most of these apartments don't have laundry facilities, so families are in laundromats washing clothes at $2.00/load (that is to WASH - let's assume they take the clothes back home to line-dry). We only have three people in our family and I do four loads of laundry per week. That would be $32.00 per month just to operate the machine at the laundromat. And what about buying those clothes in the first-place?
What about transportation? KC is not the most public-transit friendly place around. I live in a suburb and commute 10 miles each day to work. To find a bus that would take me there, I would have to leave my house two hours before my shift started and I would not arrive back home until at least an hour after my shift had ended. It may be faster just to buy a bike and ride it each day if I couldn't afford to drive.
But let's get back to that average household income. $71,200 for a family of four. How much do they pay in Federal taxes to support these benefits that others are receiving? At $71,200 (assuming NO deductions), they paid $9,854 in federal taxes if they are married and filed jointly, or 14% of their income. But not all of those taxes go to assistance programs. Here's where that money goes:
So breaking down that $9,854 in federal taxes, only 12% is going towards "Welfare" (Safety Net Programs), or $1,182. And our family earning $30,576 working two minimum wage jobs only qualifies for $800 in assistance, but has paid $3,700 in federal taxes, with $444 of that going back to the very assistance programs that helped them.
So do I think that someone living on assistance, on my "dime" of $1,182 per year, is living better than I do on $71,200? Absolutely not! No one denies the fact that fraud exists. But please, let's all give up the stereotype that those on assistance are lazy and just out to scam the system. It does nothing to help the true problem of fraud and merely lets us mask the fact that there is a deep and true need in our society for these programs.
Monday, October 14, 2013
It's Finished
Today we went to the children's hospital for Aubree's autopsy report. I nearly burst into tears walking
in to that place, but managed to hold it together. I was able to see
the same doc that had treated me and the same neonatologist that was
with us when Aubree was born (he personally took her back to the
children's hospital for the autopsy when we left the hospital). Seriously, I have never had such a
wonderful caring team of doctors before. The actual autopsy showed that
she passed away due to her heart stopping, which is what we had
suspected. It was only beating at 37 bpm the last time we had seen her
on ultrasound so this wasn't a surprise. They did find some other things
wrong with her heart that couldn't be seen on the ultrasounds and her
other organs had issues related to her heterotaxy. But nothing really
significant in light of her more complex issues. The placenta tested fine and there were no clots or
infection found that would have contributed to her passing or cause
concern for future pregnancies. Most of my questions were for the
geneticist. She said that Aubree got two defective "nodal" genes, one each from DH
and I. The nodal gene is what tells things where to go early in development when there are just a couple of cells. Having one defective gene is apparently really common, but having two could have
caused Aubree's severe heterotaxy (but they can't be certain since apparently there
are 60 genes that determine "sided-ness" and they only can test for a
few).
It was recommended that DH, Aly, and I get heart echos and ultrasounds of our abdomens to see if any of us have misplaced organs. If we do, our chances of having another baby with heterotaxy are about 50% since DH and I both seem to have this defective gene. If not, then our chances of having another baby with heterotaxy go down about to 5%. Even if we do have misplaced organs (meaning we also have heterotaxy), most forms of heterotaxy are compatible with life and things would most likely be just fine. The chances of having another baby with issues as severe as hers (the worst scenario of heterotaxy known) is still around 1%. So we will do the tests - mainly because we have reached our max OOP and I really want to know that Aly is ok, and that DH and I are ok. But in all likelihood we won't have to worry about this issue again. Unless we hit the freakin' genetic lottery. In which case, we should also hit the real lottery just to even out the karma scales.
The doctors all said they can't tell us when to try again, but that they all personally think we are good to go whenever we feel ready. And they said that my regular OB can schedule all my ultrasounds at CMH in the fetal health center and they routinely assist with care for healthy babies after situations like ours. So we will for sure do our 12-week scan and 20-week anatomy scan there, with an additional heart echo around 24 weeks just to be completely sure.
I went in to today with a really heavy heart, but I walked out of that hospital with a sense of relief and a feeling of closure. Her due-date was yesterday, and her autopsy today. Aly was born the day after her due date and I'd had in my mind that Aubree should have been born the day after her "due date." The autopsy report feels like the last official thing we did for Aubree as her parents. Now life can move on.
It was recommended that DH, Aly, and I get heart echos and ultrasounds of our abdomens to see if any of us have misplaced organs. If we do, our chances of having another baby with heterotaxy are about 50% since DH and I both seem to have this defective gene. If not, then our chances of having another baby with heterotaxy go down about to 5%. Even if we do have misplaced organs (meaning we also have heterotaxy), most forms of heterotaxy are compatible with life and things would most likely be just fine. The chances of having another baby with issues as severe as hers (the worst scenario of heterotaxy known) is still around 1%. So we will do the tests - mainly because we have reached our max OOP and I really want to know that Aly is ok, and that DH and I are ok. But in all likelihood we won't have to worry about this issue again. Unless we hit the freakin' genetic lottery. In which case, we should also hit the real lottery just to even out the karma scales.
The doctors all said they can't tell us when to try again, but that they all personally think we are good to go whenever we feel ready. And they said that my regular OB can schedule all my ultrasounds at CMH in the fetal health center and they routinely assist with care for healthy babies after situations like ours. So we will for sure do our 12-week scan and 20-week anatomy scan there, with an additional heart echo around 24 weeks just to be completely sure.
I went in to today with a really heavy heart, but I walked out of that hospital with a sense of relief and a feeling of closure. Her due-date was yesterday, and her autopsy today. Aly was born the day after her due date and I'd had in my mind that Aubree should have been born the day after her "due date." The autopsy report feels like the last official thing we did for Aubree as her parents. Now life can move on.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Two Months
I've been absent from here for awhile. I went back to work three weeks ago and life has pretty much resumed it's normal pace. In a weird way it seems like DH and I are back to where we were at the beginning of the year. We set out this year with the goal of having another baby, and even though we had her it seems like she never was here. Kind of weird to be starting again nine months later and feeling like things are right back to where they were.
I've really been handling things well so far. I could see new little babies or pregnant ladies and not run crying from the room. Oh sure, I felt a tinge of sadness, but it was ok. But as we got closer to October, I started feeling more & more sad. Today was Aubree's due date, and we got the call last week that her autopsy report is in and the doctors want to meet with us tomorrow. We should be going home with a new baby, not sitting in a conference room discussing her autopsy. I am hoping that we don't hear anything we didn't already know about her. I hope to hear that Aubree passed from complications due to her severe heart defect caused by her heterotaxy, and that Mike and I did all that we possibly could for our little girl. But babies with heterotaxy usually pass away in the 1st trimester, so part of me is really worried that this is somehow related to my first miscarriage and that something is wrong with me that keeps killing my babies.
This week has been a really bad week. It started on Tuesday, and as the week progressed I got more & more sad and angry. Sad that my baby is not in my arms like she should be. Angry with the world for going on with life like normal. Sad that it has been two months since I felt her kicks and rolls, her dancing to daddy's music, her sudden jolts and kicking at the sound of my alarm in the morning. I miss the giant belly that made it impossible for me to sleep, or sit, or walk. And vainly, if I can't have the baby, then why the hell do I have to keep the smooshy tummy afterwards? Yet part of me loves that stretch mark on my stomach that I know was left by Aubree. She WAS here. She WAS real. She IS my baby.
Someone asked me this week if I was "all better." Another person asked Mike and I if we would have more children. These really threw me for a loop. I don't know if things will ever be "all better." Part of me will always miss Aubree. She is our daughter, the same way Alyvia is. She had her own personality - she loved green chiles and dancing the night away in the desert air when we went to visit great grandpa in New Mexico. She loved to dance while Mike played the guitar and sang, yet she always stopped as soon as he would place his hand on her. How she knew the difference between his touch and mine I will never know, but she calmed immediately whenever he would speak to her and put his hands on my tummy. Aubree liked when I would rock with Aly on my lap and read bedtime stories, but she would kick Aly for encroaching on her space. Aly loved to pat my belly and talk to her sister.
Having another baby won't make things all better. No one will ever replace Aubree. And to be honest, the thought of going through another pregnancy is absolutely terrifying. Through the wonderful support groups I have found over the past year my eyes have been opened to just how many things can go wrong with a pregnancy. And I've come to realize just how very little I can do to prevent those things from happening. Most fatal defects are complete random chance, and not the fault of a mom drinking caffeine or eating a lunch meat sandwich. No matter what rules there are and how careful a person is, the truth is that the scariest and most lethal defects are just random chance. If and when we decide to have another baby I know that facing pregnancy itself will be facing one of my biggest fears. It will be the choice to allow myself to be put in the position to lose everything again, and to be willing to face that risk in order to hold a living child in my arms.
And yet, even knowing the outcome, I would choose to walk this road again. I love my daughter and I am so thankful for the time we had with her. I am thankful that we life in a time when we could discover her challenges and prepare to face them. We knew that each day was a gift and we tried to cherish each one. Our 31 weeks with her far surpassed everyone's original estimates. We were able to spend an additional three months with our daughter, and we know that she directed her story and went on her own terms.
Aubree, I hope you have really enjoyed your last two months in Heaven. I hear that time is not the same there, and I hope all you know is a time when we are already together with you.
I've really been handling things well so far. I could see new little babies or pregnant ladies and not run crying from the room. Oh sure, I felt a tinge of sadness, but it was ok. But as we got closer to October, I started feeling more & more sad. Today was Aubree's due date, and we got the call last week that her autopsy report is in and the doctors want to meet with us tomorrow. We should be going home with a new baby, not sitting in a conference room discussing her autopsy. I am hoping that we don't hear anything we didn't already know about her. I hope to hear that Aubree passed from complications due to her severe heart defect caused by her heterotaxy, and that Mike and I did all that we possibly could for our little girl. But babies with heterotaxy usually pass away in the 1st trimester, so part of me is really worried that this is somehow related to my first miscarriage and that something is wrong with me that keeps killing my babies.
This week has been a really bad week. It started on Tuesday, and as the week progressed I got more & more sad and angry. Sad that my baby is not in my arms like she should be. Angry with the world for going on with life like normal. Sad that it has been two months since I felt her kicks and rolls, her dancing to daddy's music, her sudden jolts and kicking at the sound of my alarm in the morning. I miss the giant belly that made it impossible for me to sleep, or sit, or walk. And vainly, if I can't have the baby, then why the hell do I have to keep the smooshy tummy afterwards? Yet part of me loves that stretch mark on my stomach that I know was left by Aubree. She WAS here. She WAS real. She IS my baby.
Someone asked me this week if I was "all better." Another person asked Mike and I if we would have more children. These really threw me for a loop. I don't know if things will ever be "all better." Part of me will always miss Aubree. She is our daughter, the same way Alyvia is. She had her own personality - she loved green chiles and dancing the night away in the desert air when we went to visit great grandpa in New Mexico. She loved to dance while Mike played the guitar and sang, yet she always stopped as soon as he would place his hand on her. How she knew the difference between his touch and mine I will never know, but she calmed immediately whenever he would speak to her and put his hands on my tummy. Aubree liked when I would rock with Aly on my lap and read bedtime stories, but she would kick Aly for encroaching on her space. Aly loved to pat my belly and talk to her sister.
Having another baby won't make things all better. No one will ever replace Aubree. And to be honest, the thought of going through another pregnancy is absolutely terrifying. Through the wonderful support groups I have found over the past year my eyes have been opened to just how many things can go wrong with a pregnancy. And I've come to realize just how very little I can do to prevent those things from happening. Most fatal defects are complete random chance, and not the fault of a mom drinking caffeine or eating a lunch meat sandwich. No matter what rules there are and how careful a person is, the truth is that the scariest and most lethal defects are just random chance. If and when we decide to have another baby I know that facing pregnancy itself will be facing one of my biggest fears. It will be the choice to allow myself to be put in the position to lose everything again, and to be willing to face that risk in order to hold a living child in my arms.
And yet, even knowing the outcome, I would choose to walk this road again. I love my daughter and I am so thankful for the time we had with her. I am thankful that we life in a time when we could discover her challenges and prepare to face them. We knew that each day was a gift and we tried to cherish each one. Our 31 weeks with her far surpassed everyone's original estimates. We were able to spend an additional three months with our daughter, and we know that she directed her story and went on her own terms.
Aubree, I hope you have really enjoyed your last two months in Heaven. I hear that time is not the same there, and I hope all you know is a time when we are already together with you.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Back to Reality
The last six weeks have been a surreal mix of pain and grieving for my baby mixed with joyful moments of connecting with my two-year-old and just resting from the craziness of life. Aly and I have really enjoyed this time together. We've sang songs, played games, gone on trips, shopped, run around at the park, and just generally had a great time. I think I would love the SAHM life! Too bad it doesn't come with a paycheck & medical benefits like my real job does ;)
But today was the day I had to go back to that real job. All last week I was in a bad mood with DH. I couldn't even express why I was so upset. I was sad. And mad. I had just gone through maternity leave, but had no baby. None of my normal work clothes fit because I still have the smooshy tummy, but no baby and no breast feeding that helped me lose all the weight with Aly. Normal cycles returning left me feeling moody, bloated, and just generally unhappy with myself. And then yesterday DH broke his foot! Poor guy. And then Aly didn't feel like sleeping last night and was up just about every hour screaming about bad dreams and scary things in her room. I woke up in a sleep-deprived fog this morning and stumbled around helping DH get ready for work and getting myself ready, only to still make it to work a couple minutes late (ughghg). And then I spilled black coffee on my white shirt. And then I had 10 complaints waiting for me (translation: it's going to be a BUSY day!).
And, and, and.....that's pretty much how my day went.
After feeling a bit sorry for myself, I realized that being in a sad mood was only going to make the day worse. I could continue my little pity-party and chose to see every little inconvenience as another one of life's cruel jokes, or I could choose to change my attitude and try to be happy. To look for the joyful moments or purposefully create some if needed.We've been working with Aly on having a good attitude (heaven help us, she's 2 going on 16 with these mood swings!). We tell her that we need to have a happy heart and a good attitude. Today I found myself repeating those words to my own heart.
I think the things that frustrate me the most as a parent are when my child struggles with the same things that are most often my own weaknesses. It's amazing how little patience I tend to have for her in these areas, when they are really what I dislike the most about myself (and the things I tend to gloss over or excuse myself for). Today my heart was reminded of Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message)
So tonight I choose to go to bed with a happy heart, thankful for this day.
But today was the day I had to go back to that real job. All last week I was in a bad mood with DH. I couldn't even express why I was so upset. I was sad. And mad. I had just gone through maternity leave, but had no baby. None of my normal work clothes fit because I still have the smooshy tummy, but no baby and no breast feeding that helped me lose all the weight with Aly. Normal cycles returning left me feeling moody, bloated, and just generally unhappy with myself. And then yesterday DH broke his foot! Poor guy. And then Aly didn't feel like sleeping last night and was up just about every hour screaming about bad dreams and scary things in her room. I woke up in a sleep-deprived fog this morning and stumbled around helping DH get ready for work and getting myself ready, only to still make it to work a couple minutes late (ughghg). And then I spilled black coffee on my white shirt. And then I had 10 complaints waiting for me (translation: it's going to be a BUSY day!).
And, and, and.....that's pretty much how my day went.
After feeling a bit sorry for myself, I realized that being in a sad mood was only going to make the day worse. I could continue my little pity-party and chose to see every little inconvenience as another one of life's cruel jokes, or I could choose to change my attitude and try to be happy. To look for the joyful moments or purposefully create some if needed.We've been working with Aly on having a good attitude (heaven help us, she's 2 going on 16 with these mood swings!). We tell her that we need to have a happy heart and a good attitude. Today I found myself repeating those words to my own heart.
I think the things that frustrate me the most as a parent are when my child struggles with the same things that are most often my own weaknesses. It's amazing how little patience I tend to have for her in these areas, when they are really what I dislike the most about myself (and the things I tend to gloss over or excuse myself for). Today my heart was reminded of Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message)
"Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."Guess it's time to model the correct behavior for my daughter. And choose to find the joyful moments instead of letting myself get consumed in a pity-party of celebrating all that is going wrong. Even with all that's gone wrong over this last year it is still easy for me to see that we are blessed beyond measure. There's always someone that has it "worse" and someone that has it "better" than we do. But comparing myself to someone else or to what I think is the "ideal" only ends up poorly.
So tonight I choose to go to bed with a happy heart, thankful for this day.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Month One is Done
We had our little girl one month ago. The pain is gradually fading and now I can look at her pictures without crying. I made a collage of pictures to print off for her service and it's framed and set out in the living room. Aly loves to sit and look at the pictures of her sister:
The top center and bottom pictures were taken by Amanda. We absolutely LOVE the photos she got for us! The top corner shots were taken by Mike just minutes after Aubree was born. I love the picture of her head. It's the only picture we have of her hair. This is how much hair she had at 10 weeks early!! She would have had a full head of black hair just like her sister if she had made it to full-term :) And that foot...that was the foot that tried to break my ribs. Oh how I love it :)
It seems so strange that she's been gone for a month already. I was looking back at some of the goals I had set back in December for 2013 - one of them was to have another baby. I guess I should have been WAY more specific about that one, since I really wanted to keep her and not just "have" her. I knew Aubree was on her way even before those two lines turned pink that first weekend in February. She was very much wanted and planned for. Ok, if you know me, the "planning" part of that last sentence wasn't a surprise.
The last few weeks at home for me have been really good for our family. Things are much calmer, relaxed, and happy. I've been able to spend a lot of time resting and recovering. It's been kind of hard for me to actually sit down and take it easy as most of the time I feel ok, but I am quickly reminded that I need to let my body heal since I did just go through 3/4 of a pregnancy and delivery. This down-time, though, has really let me spend some quality time with Aly. We've been cuddling on the couch and watching her favorite Disney Jr. shows (mommy now knows ALL the songs!). We've played tea party and princess dress-up. We went shopping and got some puzzles to put together. Aly has been helping me with cooking dinner most nights and she's loved it! She helps me take care of Lucy in the mornings. All of these things that I usually rush through on my way to work or in the crazy minutes when I first get home. It's nice to be able to slow down and include Aly more, and to see how much she is growing and maturing.
The week after next I go back to work and life returns to our new normal. Normal life full of busy schedules and rushing around. But, I am kind of ready to get back into familiar territory after the agonizing uncertainty of our life since May. Back to a life that I can "control" or plan for. Yeah, right. But I am really going to miss morning cuddles on the couch and naps in the afternoon.
It seems so strange that she's been gone for a month already. I was looking back at some of the goals I had set back in December for 2013 - one of them was to have another baby. I guess I should have been WAY more specific about that one, since I really wanted to keep her and not just "have" her. I knew Aubree was on her way even before those two lines turned pink that first weekend in February. She was very much wanted and planned for. Ok, if you know me, the "planning" part of that last sentence wasn't a surprise.
The last few weeks at home for me have been really good for our family. Things are much calmer, relaxed, and happy. I've been able to spend a lot of time resting and recovering. It's been kind of hard for me to actually sit down and take it easy as most of the time I feel ok, but I am quickly reminded that I need to let my body heal since I did just go through 3/4 of a pregnancy and delivery. This down-time, though, has really let me spend some quality time with Aly. We've been cuddling on the couch and watching her favorite Disney Jr. shows (mommy now knows ALL the songs!). We've played tea party and princess dress-up. We went shopping and got some puzzles to put together. Aly has been helping me with cooking dinner most nights and she's loved it! She helps me take care of Lucy in the mornings. All of these things that I usually rush through on my way to work or in the crazy minutes when I first get home. It's nice to be able to slow down and include Aly more, and to see how much she is growing and maturing.
The week after next I go back to work and life returns to our new normal. Normal life full of busy schedules and rushing around. But, I am kind of ready to get back into familiar territory after the agonizing uncertainty of our life since May. Back to a life that I can "control" or plan for. Yeah, right. But I am really going to miss morning cuddles on the couch and naps in the afternoon.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
One Month Ago Today
Was the last time we saw her sweet little face. Sucking on her thumb, wriggling around and trying to evade the ultrasound wand, funny little heart beating in it's own way. This wasn't our best set of pictures, but obviously they are absolutely priceless to me. I could have stayed there all day just watching her.
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